Time is beautiful.
Time is endless.
Let time guide you to your destiny.
Let time guide you to your death.
Let time guide you to the end of time.
It just doesn’t matter anymore. I’m tired of holding on and fighting for a loss battle with my health.
My mother held my hand and kept me strong when they told me it had spread. I didn’t cry this time, I’ve been here before.
Yesterday was my birthday and the only happy birthdays I received were from Facebook reminding people. I didn’t do anything I just laid in bed and reflected on these past 28 years. What else can I do?
I really am alone and yesterday was a testament to that.
Finally home from Pax Prime and my Canada trip to visit family. The verdict? From great to depressive.
Things just aren’t how they used to be back when I was younger. The conversations were awkward, very little eye contact was made with one another, and I just simply didn’t have a good time at all.
I was under the false pretense that no one knew of my past illness, but no…. they know. I could tell.
They would ask if I ate anything special in particular or when they hug me they would do it gently and they would bring up random topics about cancer and such as if it was normal in their everyday life to talk about it. I felt very uncomfortable very quickly, but I couldn’t say anything. I really did appreciate their hospitality.
Pax? It was cool. I met with Mike and Jerry from Penny Arcade and we hung out and talked…. but in the end nothing manifested.
I don’t feel good at all. I’ve been breaking down a lot lately and lack any motivation and drive. I would love nothing more than to interject these negative feelings with something positive, but nothing really makes me happy anymore.
Last week I found out something that crushed my heart. Someone who raised me like a son and I considered my mother passed away. My friend and his family didn’t tell me…. they had a wake, funeral, followed by a burial and I never knew. I found out by accident. Slowly I’m losing all of the good people in my life and little bit of me is dying inside. I stepped away from the internet last week and this week in order to clear my head, but I’m gettng flooded with private messages on my facebook, twitter and Skype about my whereabouts. I don’t want to talk to anyone and just want to be left alone. The only thing keeping me from hitting rock bottom are my hellboy comics….. Sad, I know.
Who knows when I’ll be back… don’t think it will matter much anymore if I do.
A sad day for me….
We’ll see what happens tomorrow.
:p #powerlifting #lifting #life #passion #eltoro #sagatcosplay #superbuu
An offer was made to me earlier this week and I’m conflicted. I’m still trying to recover, but I’m ready to start seeing the world again. This offer though is to see the world in particular, but to move to this said side of the world.
6th meal of the day and still have one more to go in a few hours. Still in the sauna (my garage) #powerlifting #lifting #life #eltoro #doyouevenlift #cosplayprogress #sagatcosplay #sagat #superbuu
WTF?!! Where in the world did I obtain 47 new followers since Friday?!?!! …. I guess I should ask how y’all found this page? Deviantart?… Flickr?!… IRC? …. Neil Gaiman?
Either way I’m humbled. Welcome and I hope you like my stuff. I mainly write about my personal life on here and I guess my path to recovery from Pancreatic Carcinoma. I used to post my art on here, but past circumstances have deterred me from doing it lately. If you are interested I can give you the link to my Flickr account where I post all of it, but please keep in mind that I do post a lot of dream sequence paintings and well… guinea pig style paintings as well (stuff I would NEVER dream of posting on here or Deviantart).
If you have questions, ask away! I’m learning how to open more so I’ll do my best in answering your questions.
Had a dream last night that life had been different for me these past three years and got to see (theoretically) how this gas would have turned out for me. Yeah I know its my mind telling me the grass was greener on the other side. Some of my choices today have haunted me.
Chipotle… Most delicious refeed in my cut cycle. :p #powerlifting #cut #doyouevenlift #sagat #eltoro
Third meal in, 65 grams of protein, 10 grams of glutamine, 7 grams of bcaa, and 1 gram of critulline. All while watching the CEO stream on twitch. #powerlift #powerlifting #lifting #life #passion #doyouevenlift #eltoro #ceo2013 #fgc #sagatcosplay #sagat